What Is Somatic Couples Therapy and How Is It Better than Talk Therapy?

In my experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist working with couples, I always notice one common issue amongst traditional couples’ therapy. 

Here’s the thing: talking things out as the main approach to couples therapy is not always a helpful intervention to getting the couple to reach their goals of feeling more connected, respected and loved. This is because in talk therapy, the focus is not on the couple establishing reconnection and reunion. Rather, it is on the triggers of what he/she said and did/didn’t do, as well as the couple’s different views of what happened and the emotions that showed up due to their own individual history and trauma. This can activate them and leave couples worse off after the session than they were before. 

Somatic psychotherapy is one of the main therapeutic approaches I use to help couples heal and reestablish their connection. It has a significant amount of research behind it, though it is still considered rather new in the clinical field of psychology. Somatic psychotherapy (soma means body) approaches therapy from an embodied sense. Clients are directed to notice what things feel like in their body versus staying in the rumination and possible false narrative that may exist in their minds. When we work with establishing a connection in the body, one will have to feel the authentic truth of how their partner makes them feel because the body has no ego or agenda—the body just exists—so we get to a greater understanding of the couple’s needs much faster than a traditional talk therapy session would. 

In couples therapy each person may be influenced by their individual wounds and deficits, so the couple could have totally different perceptions of reality. Partners need to understand that the healing that unites couples does not occur at the logical level, it occurs much deeper. It begins with each partner feeling safe, feeling seen, feeling wanted and feeling loved. All these factors show up when a couple is asked or directed by their therapist to physically connect in some way. In the somatic psychotherapy work that I do with couples I may direct them to go in slowly and hold each other’s hands for a certain period and look into each other’s eyes or, when appropriate, go in for an embrace and hold it.

When a couple uses body-centered interventions in therapy, we get to see what truths unfold from this physical level. I have been in therapy with couples where I feel like I am witnessing miracles unfold, where years of feeling disconnected and unappreciated by the other seem to vanish as their love expands right before my eyes. I have helped many couples learn about boundaries and communication by practicing interventions of leaning back-to-back or side-by-side. What we learn from our own body and the way we interact with one another tells us the truth about who is carrying the energy of the relationship or who feels dysregulated or unsafe. What would take months in a standard talk therapy session comes up to the surface in minutes (known in the psychology field as top down). There is still talking: after the physical exercises are complete the couple processes it with me, but it is coming from the wisdom they found by doing the exercises and working from the experiences felt in their bodies.    

Somatic exercises and interventions can help a client become aware of what is happening in their body, learn to self-regulate and decrease the stressful charges they may feel. I also notice that when we work with the body it is harder to be dismissive or minimize certain imbalances. When we look at the body language of a couple as they slowly go in for a handshake or approach a hug or embrace, it is so much easier to process and honor what they see and experience from this more neutral place. Sometimes in processing these exercises we find out that a partner may feel unsafe or disregarded, but often a partner will realize how supportive and loved they feel by their partner. 

Here’s another example of a somatic intervention. A partner is discussing a certain topic and they feel tightness in their chest. A somatic therapist can help them resolve some of the tightness and teach the client how to be more regulated and in a rested state. This helps them to hear their partner deeply and learn and connect to what they are saying, feeling or needing.  

The second approach I weave into my couples work is called attachment-focused psychotherapy. The attachment work I do with couples is backed by years of research and evidence touting its efficacy. This method looks at the early attachment strategies produced in the brain while a child attempts to be in relationships with their primary caregivers. This can automatically impact an adult relationship with a current partner. If a partner has deep wounds, then triggers and past behaviors with primary caregivers will automatically repeat in their nervous system; hence, they have a similar response with their current partner. 

I often see that couples are unconsciously reacting and feeling deep pain not from their current partner but from past traumas and deficits that are hardwired into their body and mind. Once the deficits and early attachment wounds have been identified, the couple can begin to understand more about the reactions that each partner has to the other. With this awareness and new attunement, their bodies can respond differently and with compassion toward one another.  

Blending both methods together in couples therapy allows me the opportunity to witness deep connections of love and appreciation as they unfold. Most importantly, this therapeutic combination sets the foundation for couples to reunite in their love and commitment, ultimately achieving the results they are looking for.